My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
