Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...