Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
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I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
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Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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