I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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