A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
