in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
