Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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