sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
