How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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