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If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
