I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
