You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
