My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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