I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
