Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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