birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
