Please, let me fuck your mom
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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