If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Never let your siblings swipe right.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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