My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
