Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
