Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Hippo gnu deer
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
