Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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