I'm lost and stupid without you.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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