The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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