woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
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