I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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