sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
