I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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