Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize