I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
