The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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