Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
