Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
