I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
