wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
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I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
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She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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