Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
