my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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