I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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