Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
