So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
