Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
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She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels