I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
