goodnight i made you a song goodbye
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
