lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
