you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
