I am puke
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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