yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
