i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
