What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
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I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
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I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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