Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
