Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
This is the prime rib incident all over again
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
