It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
