I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
