Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
