It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
