so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
