White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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