did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
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cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
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Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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